Why inner repair
Moving from my head to my heart
As I look back at my healing journey, it’s fascinating and so understandable how much I rejected compassion and softness from others even when it was in front of my face and available to me. I thought it was fake and that I was being conned or tricked. Love and kindness wasn’t the first thing that came to mind, but protection and defensiveness because that was my internal environment.
That protection came from an upbringing that frequently felt mean, harsh, and oftentimes, cruel. When I had the means, I saw all sorts of mental health professionals: philosophical counselors, jungian analysts, and psychologists and they were all helpful at the time. However, even having mental health literacy, I still felt like I was recycling my issues. I could articulate my issues and had a deep understanding of my issues, but wondered why it felt insufficient.
I was brought up in the information age and learned that logic was king. That paved the way for separating my emotions from thought. Why? Because I was taught that my feelings were weak. This mindset and way of being was then reinforced by the institutions of our world.
To make it worse, I judged myself for having feelings and not being able to just sweep it all under the rug. I spent many years stewed in this mindset while I was trying to heal and wondered why I couldn’t heal.
Here’s an example of my thoughts that ran in a loop. Because I didn’t know any better, it sounded so motivating and believed it.
If I’m not changing, I’m choosing!
Inspiration is for amateurs!
Don’t let my feelings dictate my actions!
If I’m not changing, I’m choosing! Inspiration is for amateurs! Don’t let my feelings dictate my actions!
Like a bonsai, it’s helpful to trim out coping mechanisms that no longer work in the same way they used to work. How do we do that? That’s the hard part and also the most rewarding journey. Build the skill to be with your hurts while applying self compassion. That’s the ultimate flex.
When I was tired of seeking my good outside of myself, I finally softened just enough to realize that healing wasn’t going to come from the intellect. Later, what I became aware of was that my self judgement limited my awakening and healing.
I normalized the critical voice and placed pressure on myself. This was a pattern that was taught, which meant that I could learn a new way of being. When the quality of my inner consciousness is self critical and self shaming, who wants to sit with that?
That’s how addiction happens. Others might act out and reach for alcohol, shopping, or eating —I acted inward and reached for more self judgement and thought that it would motivate me. I reached for the good and the approval outside of me to self-soothe. I reached for self abuse. It was so embodied in me, they were just automatic thoughts that happened again and again.
I had no compassion for myself. But when I was willing to let go of my coping mechanisms, I was ready to apply self compassion to the place that goes down the shame spiral.
I honored where I was and let my emotions (and heart) take the lead. I trusted that my life would not fall apart if I decided that the previous way I was with myself would no longer be tolerated. I can be with my hurts and still feel love for myself. This required a lot of inner safety and a new way of being with myself. It’s far more expansive and kind to love myself through my hurts.
There is an inner intelligence in my hurts. It’s not just another nuisance to be dealt with, to ignore, repress, or distract because it won’t stop until I acknowledge the need that is calling within me. That’s why I kept recycling my issues.
To transition from a worrying mind to rest in my heart took practice and continuous reassurance, “This is a new moment.”
Now, here’s what applying self compassion sounds like in my head and heart:
Oh, that's so understandable.
I am deserving of my own time and respect.
I'm deserving of my own love.
I'm deserving of my own kindness.
I'm so sorry. What did I need?
Oh, that's so understandable. I am deserving of my own time and respect. I'm deserving of my own love. I'm deserving of my own kindness. I'm so sorry. What did I need?
I nurtured and attended to the places within that felt alone, sad, broken, not good enough. Surprisingly, over time, as I created inner repair, I no longer felt the way that I used to.
The hurts, the resentments, the shame— it organically dissolved. What my hurts required was an emotional experience, not an intellectual understanding of why it all happened.
What do I think about the running loop in my head that I once used to motivate me? Shaming myself to change no longer motivates me, inspiration is invaluable, and most of all, my feelings matter so much to me!
The love and kindness I’m now able to offer myself was hard earned and it doesn’t mean that the news and pain of our external world isn’t present. It’s how I relate within that matters the most and I let that radiate outward. And when I am faced with challenges, I trust that there are possibilities in store that I cannot even imagine.
